(This was a note written to those important in my life. Thought gave rise to the realization of my own reckless abandonment of those hopes instilled in me by Christ.)
I wanted to write to all of you, because I owe you an apology, but I also wanted to write to you because I hoped to create a sort of universal accountability in my life. For the past few years I have been living as a fraud. I have not acted as the person that I really am. Partially, it's because I want to fit in, but it's mainly just because that's how I've always acted.
Recently, I've been thinking almost constantly about the show that "the church" puts on. How we act, how we don't act, how we'll talk about someone's problems behind their back but not speak to them in love. I thought about those things, but in a classic way, I was merely shifting the blame which God was laying on my heart. You see, I have lived and helped to perpetuate that hypocrisy for so long.
In my mind I've been raging against my spiritual personality dysfunction. How in the world can I act the way I do, but love God as much as I do? Sold out doesn't begin to describe my passion for my LORD and saviour. I guess I thought that God wanted my time. He did, and I gave it to Him. Giving up tennis was one of the hardest things I've ever done. But then I realized that I wasn't giving God my life. What cross am I really bearing?
First, I want to apologize to all my friends at Antioch Bible Church. To all my leaders, all my pastors, everyone who have worked so hard to instill the love of Christ in me, because I've so ruthlessly abandoned my cross. To my friends, because I could have been there for you. Yeah, I prayed. Sometimes I said some encouraging things I suppose, but to act so separate from how I truly am... I can't really explain how much I mean that. To some of you, I honestly can't explain what you've meant in my life. Some of you that may not even know it have had a bigger impact than others... and I am so sorry for what I've done in light of that. Some of you barely know me, even if you've been around me for years.
I want to apologize to all my friends at school. To all of you I know who do not Christ, I've probably had some of the most ridiculous conversations with you, but know this: that's not who I am. No matter what you think of the Christian walk know that you cannot separate me from it. I love God with all my heart, soul and mind. If I've never told you about my passion for my saviour, then I am so sorry, I haven't been living as myself and as the man God called me to be.
To all those who go to The Stand at school. I have done you a huge disservice. I should be putting more effort into the group, and I am deeply sorry. But more importantly, as the leader of that group, I feel as though I should be a kind of role model. I wish that you could look at me and say "that is what God wants in my life", but that's not who I've been. Words can't express the passion I have for your well-being with Christ, and I hope to show that in the coming months.
God has been working on my heart and mind for quite some time now, coming at me from so many angles, just trying to intertwine Himself into the fabric of my life, but I've worked so hard to shut Him out. I cannot let 1 Corinthians 6:19 out of my mind. I am not my own. My cross to bear. My race to run. I have been crucified with Christ. These things penned by my saviour to take all that I am.
Actually, many of you have probably noticed what I write about. I only write about Christ and His church, His glory. Seems different than what I talk about doesn't it? Wow, just scrolled up... I wrote a lot didn't I? Hhmmm... there's no way I could express everything in writing. I desperately hope that I will be able to show you with my life.
There are so many people I would have to thank for my love for Christ, but there are just a precious few who I feel I need to thank especially. Scott Heatherington, you've had more of an effect than you could ever know. Paul, Philip, Taylor and Daniel for being my peers in this walk and for helping me through... I don't know where I would be without you guys.
LORD God help me to bear my cross for You. I love You, nothing less.
~Daniel
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